8 things sabotaging your marriage and how to overcome
Contrary to what I hear people say now about being afraid of getting married, I was very optimistic about marriage and love.
I just knew mine would be a love made in heaven…Aha
My prince charming reached out to me in a very mature but romantic way. Just the way I like it …cute, straight to the point and assertive.
It was in a wedding reception hall some 22 years ago, I remember clearly, as I worked down the hall in my little white slitted dress and 5 inches red stiletto heel…click clack click clack, I saw the dashing dazzling eyes of a young gentleman walking down the hall with me.
Hahaha… at first, I acted as though I did not notice him…You know nah, I am a lady…there must be a chase.
Just as I walked past him and was about to make my way out of the door, he hurried up to me…wait oh! come to think of it now, I actually think he ran towards me oh…but guy finnnner sha
Next…he popped the question “Hello pretty, can I have 10 minutes of your time?” and yes oh 10 minutes it was.
In those 10 minutes he said “I am in search of a young lady who I can spend my life with.” Then we exchanged contact and gradually…1,2,3 years oh, we are talking seriously.
Yet after 19 years of marriage… The hallways still recognize the clicks of my red stiletto heel despite going solo in the little white dress, but this is a story for another day.
Yes those clicks are as a result, would last forever because the are clicks of confidence..knowing that I am equipped more than ever for marriage but it was not always like this oh…hmmm
You see, in the process, while preparing for marriage I met an elderly couple who said to me there are key things that destroy a marriage and haven gone through some knowledge acquisition phase myself, I can summarise those ancient teachings in 8 steps that can sabotage a marriage and what you can do. Yes, I am about to share with you and here they are below…
1.You have no governing system in your family: vision and mission for the marriage: You family is a nation hence need a constitution to function effectively. You need a shared vision, mission, value system, DNA creed and legends in your family for effective functioning. This helps you know where your family is at any given time and where you are headed as a family.
2.Having divergent/ incompatible beliefs: beliefs are powerful and that is why two opposite beliefs end up tearing a family apart. The generation of your belief is unimportant so long as you both belong to the same generation. Problems begin to crop when one partner is in a different generation from the other. This is why a belief alignment is so crucial to the existence of your marriage.
3.Ineffective conflict management system: conflicts are needed for a marriage to grow but when the conflict becomes toxic then it becomes a threat to the marriage itself. Many never envision the possibility of conflict as at the time of marriage. Well, it in itself conflicts with its internal representation and so does the best twin, needless talk of two different individuals from different backgrounds, upbringing, and life experiences. Hence the need for a clear effective system for conflict management in your marriage.
4.Poor/lack of friendship: It’s normal, Yes! It is healthy to have interests that are different from your spouse’s but you can still find little ways to support your spouse’s passions, even if they aren’t necessarily your cup of (sweet) tea. Do not neglect the value of friendship in your relationship. Never ignore your partner’s interests, when it differs from yours, give your partner support for instance reminding them of the dates and time for that interest and try to show little interest too just because your spouse loves it. It is okay to embrace your interest but respect your partner’s interest too.
5.Unforgiveness: Keeping a record of wrong and holding on to grudges…None of it will do you good. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die. When you do not heal from the pain caused you by someone, you end up bleeding on people who did not cut you. There may be hurts in your marriage that take time to work through. Let’s go and trade it in for Forgiveness. Yes, this might never remove all of the hurt or the memories, but it means you will not hold it against your spouse anymore. Forgiveness is a choice that will set you free and allow you to move on in your relationship. This includes letting go of the baggage from your past.
6.Lack of interest in your spouse’s principle method of love: Do you know your spouse’s love principle method? How do you as a person want to be loved? Does your spouse know this? If not, how can you interpret a language you do not understand? The knowledge of your principle method of love as well as that of your spouse can bring so much liberation to the pains you endure in marriage.
7.You choose Netflix over intimacy: When it becomes difficult to tear yourself away from the screen, even to have a moment in the bedroom as a married couple then intimacy begins to suffer. All that time could lessen the intimate bond you have with your spouse. Chances are, if you aren’t feeling satisfied in the bedroom, you will have less sex overall.
Do not get it twisted, intimacy is not the same as sex, but sexual intimacy is a key component of a healthy relationship, and advocating for what you like will make sex more enjoyable and potentially more frequent.
Yes, Netflix and screen time including your phones are important but never prioritize them to intimacy time in your marriage.
8.Not setting your marital communication matrix: Your communication is a direct reflection of what you think of your spouse. Let your communication show trust, empathy, understanding, and build connection. Avoid any form or personalization in your verbal and non-verbal communication because effective communication is the bedrock of every marriage. Set up a matrix of communication such that you know when to speak and how to speak to your spouse.
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