How to stop arguing with your spouse over and over again
In my early years of marriage I often got into a cycle where I argue constantly about the same thing.
Some of these arguments are usually caused by negative communication patterns or impact from childhood or inability to know the appropriate conflict management skill and these triggers restrict respect and mutual understanding.
But I tell you arguments between couples are sometimes very necessary and even healthy. However, when these arguments became like a normal way of life or perhaps a rehearsal it began to affect the sweet marriage union we shared.
Truth is that these arguments are in fact less about things that are repetition or the couple being wrong, but it means more about the fact that they permit the triggers and drivers to the particular issues to control your desires and decisions as a couple..
What do I mean?
Your triggers and drivers are experiences from your past no matter how far gone the past. That is to say, your past emotional baggage may be the reason why your communication patterns have gone negative and you find yourself fighting with your spouse over the same things.
For instance if as a child you constantly experienced or witnessed battering of either yourself or a loved one, say your mummy, you might constantly feel afraid and incompetent and this becomes a trigger for you.The good news is, you can break out of this and this is how…
- Find and know Your Triggers: You learn to catch yourself, once you can identify your triggers then you can control your emotions. Our body constantly sends signals to us first, so you have to know your own body’s warning system before you reach the point where you react instead of respond.
- Have ready an alternative response always: Triggers are prompt and there is a tendency of lashing out in an outburst of anger towards your spouse that is why it is important to have an alternate response ready at all times to avoid lashing out.
- “Effective” Communication is key: Communication is more about active listening than just about talking to each other. The lack of effective communication could be the reason for your unresolved issue and it keeps coming up.Every couple needs to have a matrix of communication in order to effectively communicate with each other.
- Address the issue at hand: When couples keep fighting over the same things, there is a high chance that the topic at hand encroaches into completely unrelated disagreements. In situations like this, the best way to stop the cycle of argument is to address the process and not the content.Always ask each other “What’s really going on right now that is not being said?” If you can be truly honest to each other about what exactly is going on at that moment with the issue at hand then it becomes easy to resolve it.
- Do not always seek to be right: to solve the endless cycle of issues you both need to put the ego away. Something may matter to your spouse but may not be important to you, then, it needs to be addressed to your spouse’s satisfaction and if it matters to both of you, you need to find a solution you both can accept and implement and do not forget to make a room that accommodates each other’s requirements.
- Your Partner Is not Your Ex: Quit the comparison and stop believing you know what the other person wants because you have heard it in a certain way or have experienced it with someone else as sometimes, we get in our own way. These assumptions drive your behaviour and are usually not checked for validity. It is important here to just remember, your spouse is not your ex. So treat your spouse as the unique individual that they are.
- Consider Counselling: If you keep arguing with your spouse then signs are that there is an opportunity for growth and healing but it is not easy to handle this all by yourself. So if you feel like it’s a good option for you, seeking help from a seasoned marriage coach & therapist.
- To book a free appointment with a seasoned marriage coach today, click the link: https://bit.ly/free-30mins