What’s eating up your marriage? The breakthrough invasion of reality.
I have observed quite a number of times in handling issues for married and intimate couples, that where an argument begins is rarely the place in which it ends. Several reasons could be eating up your marriage and different questions are seeking answers for a conflict to be resolved.
Your findings when you answer these questions might shock you?
The list of what might be eating up your marriage includes but is not limited to the following:
- Non-aligned purpose
- Deviate behavior like pornography, stealing, etc.
- Third-party (In-laws and bad adviser)
- Identity crisis
- Use of intimate information against a partner
- Learning undesirable information about partner
- The erosion of illusion about the partner
- The loss of novelty
- The reduction of maintenance strategy in the relationship
- Independency
- Loss of gains from the relational development period
- Exclusion of one’s partner
- The interjections of culture comprising of opposite values and goals from the partners
- The difference in personality traits
- Violation of relational rules and expectancy Ineffective communication skill
- Incompatible needs of couples
- Distorted beliefs, extreme
- Emotional reactions
- Family background and Upbringing
- Negative enforcing patterns in marriages
- Lack of trust
- Immaturity
- Financial crisis
- Poor management of Influence
- Sexual deprivation
- Existence of double binds (manipulation, imprisonment, eg if you don’t obey me then you don’t love me, talking and I am talking), etc.
Abdul and Halima (not real names) came to me for counseling. Their first statement was please help us save our marriage. We think we have come to a roadblock. Both of us want to stay together but the arguments are becoming unbearable. So we got to work after assessments…
After the first session when it seems that they are coming on board in resolving their issues I asked if they were ready to start tackling the main issues, they agreed but would not stop bringing the small petty issues back into the discussion. I realized that there is something else that they are keeping from me. I decided to talk to them individually instead of as a couple and my findings were revealing. Here is the extract from our conversation:
Coach: I would like to speak to you both separately, do I have your permission to do that?
Couple: Yes, we have no problem with that.
Coach: Thanks
Coach: Mr.Abdul, could you kindly let me in on what you feel a happy marriage should look like?
Abdul: ………………………
Coach: This belief you have about marriage, did it in any way contribute to the decision of your own marriage?
Abdul: 95%
Coach: Tell me more
Abdul: So I married my wife because I wanted someone who I can build a home with, someone like a friend
Coach: You have said some powerful things here but, I am curious, to what extent was this intention communicated to your wife?
Abdul: Ehn…but that is what marriage is, that’s what it should be
Coach: okay. Would you permit me to speak to your wife briefly?
Abdul: sure
Coach: Thank you
Coach: Mrs. Halima, what would you say would make a marriage fulfilling for you.
Halima: Once my husband can provide for the family and give me the freedom to coordinate the home without interference.
Coach: I see, why is this important to you?
Halima: He came and took me from my father’s house so he should be able to provide for me.
Coach: Okay, how is this connected to the freedom to coordinate the home?
Halima: I grew up as a child seeing my mother run all the affairs of our house and I know it is because my daddy holds her in high esteem.
Coach: So freedom to coordinate the home means high esteem for you
Halima: Certainly
Coach: What would this high esteem gift you, what would it do for you?
Halima: It makes me feel respected and loved knowing you believe in my capability.
Coach: Hmmm…
As a coach, my findings reviewed that beneath their regular arguments and conflict was an underlining issue of non-alignment of purpose, ineffective communication, and importation from meta programs which were their unspoken and unknown truth regarding their conflict.
Three things that can be done for this particular couple before addressing the core conflict include:
- Alignment their purpose
- Guide them on how to create a communication blueprint that would serve them
- Work through their meta-programs to re-create or expand on the program such that it serves the purpose of this new union.
After which you look at the conflict at hand and begin by:
- Identifying what they want out of a conflict situation.
- They decide on what you would do to get what they want and what they should not be doing?
- Appraise what you want to achieve in line with your core values
- Evaluate how well is it going.
- Produce an explicit plan linked to what you want and action your plan
- Take feedforward from your actioned plan and discard or twerk if and where necessary.
Caveat: The conversation shared is a true story and should not be used outside of here. This has been shared with the permission of my client.