Would an ultimatum save my marriage?
What the hell is this? I have had enough of this nonsense, how dare him? Sheesh!
I have been married to this man for the last three years, And at this time whenever we discuss, all he does is to sing the praises of his ex-girlfriend, saying “she is the only woman that knows me completely” laminated one of my clients during a coaching session.
At this time, I did not take him seriously,such that I even purchased some baby items for her at a point when she gave birth. Yes, she is also married now, said my client to me.
Later, I noticed that she still keeps in touch with my husband even sharing intimate conversations and I confronted him.
Gosh! What he said to me left me utterly speechless and I had to give him an ultimatum saying “If you don’t stop XYZ, this marriage is over or you have to choose between me and…..”
Ultimatum!
Does an Ultimatum save any marriage?
Have you thought about giving your spouse an ULTIMATUM?
Is your spouse having an AFFAIR, hooked on PORN, addicted to DRUGS or ALCOHOL, a WORKAHOLIC, too emotionally close to an OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND, or OBSESSIVE about a hobby or activity?
Hey! You do not need an ultimatum.If you want to restore your marriage, do NOT give your spouse an ultimatum. It will NOT work. An ultimatum imposes rules from the external; not internal. Though it might feel good, it misses your target.
How then do you get your spouse to STOP behaviour that is destroying your marriage?
Understandably, an ultimatum offers the ultimate role reversal. It puts you, the victim, in control. As appealing as that might be there is no doubt that it offers only a SHORT-RUN relief.
You need to keep in mind that just because something FEELS good does NOT mean it is good. You need to answer the question: will the LONG TERM effect of this ultimatum be good? Will it give you the result you desire? Will it lead to the renewal of my marriage?
The answer is NO.
Right now, I can read your thoughts and I hear it say “but Chinenye, don’t I have to set boundaries? What about TOUGH LOVE?”
Yes, I know, I know. An ultimatum helps you set clear RULES and boundaries for your marriage but where will your spouse get the MOTIVATION to live by the rules? In other words, the rules will be clear, but your spouse might not WANT to adhere to them so your rule breaks?
The problem is NOT a lack of rules but a lack of MOTIVATION to live by the rules.
Trust me your spouse knows their behaviour is wrong, even if they do not admit it and justify it, deep down they know that their behaviour is immoral and that it’s destroying your marriage. The problem is that they don’t care. The problem is that they lack an internal MOTIVATION to do the right thing.
So the solution is that your spouse has to WANT to stop. The key is their inner motivation, their WILL.
To Save Your Marriage, You have to Connect with Your Spouse
Target is an inner motivation factor but how do you affect someone’s inner motivation? The secret is to CONNECT with them.
The cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks to fill is a lack of a meaningful CONNECTION in their life. With this connection, you accomplish two profound things.
First, you eliminate your spouse’s desire for their destructive behaviour.
Second, you offer your spouse a permanent filling for a hole that’s been insatiable probably since their childhood.
The chances are very good that YOU have no clue how to deeply CONNECT with your spouse.
Chances are that you choose your spouse because you are disconnected as disconnected people tend to marry disconnected people and you choose because they are safe and familiar for you. It’s totally dysfunctional, but it’s true.
I am not saying that your spouse’s inappropriate behaviour is your fault but it is your RESPONSIBILITY, meaning, that you can choose (if you want) to do something about it. You can impact your spouse’s choices.
To save your marriage book a free appointment with a seasoned marriage coach today, click the link: https://bit.ly/free-30mins